So then I kind of have this eureka moment and really its a big deal to me But totally a no shit moment from a second hand Perspective. Even though we all at any given time are first second and third person. Always. I get it. I see it all. Step away from myself. The physical world. See many things at once. I'm god like, okay. Reclined against Saturn. There is and isn't a big picture. The farther away in time and space from something, the more it looks like there might be reason. Rhyme. Maybe that’s because we confuse other pictures with our own.
Nothing has been prewritten for me by any one, anything. No story planned. Put in place by society. History. The world. Nothing was written. I am somehow reassured by this. It comforts me. Freedom. And there was a plan there even though it wasn't. There was the one I had unknowingly created through life. My belief in self. Solipsistic. The effects on others. The shared notion of the self. That each of us is the center. And we are. But we aren’t. We share that. You know. Consciousness is a shared experience.
I created a path. A narrative to trap myself. Be the story. Unknowingly in everything I did, I caused the events that I thought were uncontrollable. Little picture. My personal sphere of influence. All. Those things that other people did. Which I never paid attention to. Never thought the people mattered. Those strange actions. Behaviors I could not explain. They were directly influence by my mindset, words, and behavior, at any given moment. Maybe I realize I actually am in the world. And it's an oh-shit moment because now I see the perpetual, self-abusing cycle. The way I've been. So, I see that I can do whatever I want. I am in control. I am the rudder.